


Everything Is Not Broken

by coreopsis



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: M/M, Order of the Phoenix - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-06-30
Updated: 2004-06-30
Packaged: 2017-10-03 12:06:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coreopsis/pseuds/coreopsis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>post-Order of the Phoenix.  Snape and Lupin have to work together whether Snape likes it or not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything Is Not Broken

_If everything's not fine_

 

Remus tilted his head back against the rough rock wall behind him and called himself every foul name he could think of. Bill Weasley had been captured and it was all his fault. Ordinarily, he'd have just accepted the loss and moved on, but this time he was certain his own split-second of inattention had caused the failure of their mission, and he was not looking forward to telling Molly and Arthur about it.

With a cracking sound, Snape Apparated next to Remus and immediately hunkered down, tossing an Invisibility Cloak over them both just a second before a pair of Death Eaters passed by the mouth of the alley. One of them glanced in the direction of Remus and Snape's hiding place and most certainly would have seen Remus had Snape not shown up when he had. Remus could feel the warmth of Snape's body against him and found himself surprised. He'd always thought Snape would feel cold, chilly as a snake or frigid as his manner whenever he had to speak to Remus in a setting that didn't allow for outright vitriol. Remus could feel Snape staring at him from just inches away, but he evaded Snape's gaze by fixing his eyes on his own hands, clenched tightly around his wand and resting on his knees.

When Snape finally spoke, it was in an almost silent hiss. "So Weasley didn't make it out, and you're blaming yourself."

"It was my fault that he was captured. You saw that with your own eyes. I got distracted and wasn't quick enough. I _allowed_ myself to be distracted." Remus would rather die than admit it had been Snape himself who'd distracted him. Knowing Snape pretended to be a Death Eater in order to spy for the Order was one thing, but to witness him standing shoulder to shoulder with known Death Eaters discussing which Unforgivable to use was something else entirely. His knuckles were white now and he marveled that his wand hadn't cracked. "So yes, it is my fault."

"This isn't like you." Remus couldn't read Snape's voice and still refused to look him in the eye.

"I'd have been sure you you'd take delight in blaming me," Remus said mildly, even though inside he was seething at himself and Snape and Voldemort. And tempted though he was to vent some of it at Snape, all he said was, "It's almost time for Tonks to show up."

Snape ignored the last bit and went straight to the accusation. "I take no delight in _anything_ where you are concerned. Weasley--" even under these stressful circumstances he said the name with his customary sneer "--was reckless and you were both outnumbered three to one." Snape gritted his teeth and ground out, "At least you managed to get yourself out unharmed...more or less. How is your leg?"

That got Remus's attention and he glanced up at Snape in surprise. "I can walk on it. Why on earth would you care?"

Snape said nothing for several seconds and Remus felt his grip on his wand relax a bit. Snape's warmth was seeping into him and causing confusing signals in his body, like the strange urge to move closer, to keep Snape talking just to hear his voice. Remus licked his lips and tried to shut down all those urges by verbally poking at Snape, but before he could get a word out, Tonks Apparated next to them. Her currently-magenta hair was ruffled and singed, but she smiled triumphantly as she looked around the area.

Without so much as glancing at Remus, Snape threw off the cloak and rose gracefully to his feet, leaving Remus to scramble up on legs almost numb from sitting on the hard ground for so long, a bolt of pain shooting up his left one as soon as it took his weight.

Snape nodded tersely at Tonks's greeting and pointed a long trembling finger at Remus. "You may sit here and indulge in useless self-flagellation or you may come back to headquarters so we can make a plan to get Weasley back before they break through his memory protection spells."

Remus blinked at his desire to give in to the authoritative snap in Snape's voice, then raised an eyebrow. "I will, of course, do what needs to be done. For the Order."

"Yes, for the Order." Snape said nothing else, but Remus thought he caught a self-satisfied tilt to his lips in the second before he Disapparated.

 

****

_This Will All Make Perfect Sense Someday_

 

Waiting for Dumbledore to arrive at an impromptu Order meeting at 12 Grimmauld Place, Remus sat at the kitchen table across from Snape. He ignored the cup of tea in front of him because he was watching Snape's hand as he lifted his own cup to his mouth for a sip.

Snape's fingernails were in need of a trim, but what fascinated Remus was the dried blood caked under the tips and around the nail beds. The rusty brown color might have indicated something else, some messy potion ingredient perhaps, but the smell told Remus his assessment was right.

Snape set his cup down with a snap and said, in a very cold voice, "It's not human. I was _working_."

His gaze seemed to pierce right through Remus's defenses, but Remus merely smiled politely and picked up his own cup. "Never thought it was."

"Liar." Snape pushed his cup and saucer away and rose to his feet. He glanced from Remus to the hallway door and back again, and Remus thought for a second how very like a caged beast the man seemed. "You think I've done despicable things."

"Haven't you?" Remus pushed lightly, swirling the dregs of his tea round the bottom of his cup and staring intently at the leaves. He'd never been able to see anything in them, but he always gave it a go. He only looked up again when Snape hissed.

"Yes." With a tiny smile of satisfaction, Snape sat back down. He settled back into his chair as if he'd just won the round.

Remus nodded and glanced at the clock. Dumbledore would be arriving at any moment. Remus suddenly remembered something he'd wondered about in the middle of a night when sleep wouldn't come, and he decided to take advantage of his captive audience to ask. "Have you ever been happy, Severus? Ever truly felt that all was right in your particular corner of the world?"

"Yes," answered Snape slowly as if savoring every word, "it was my first year at Hogwarts, the first time I hexed Sirius Black."

Remus had not known what to expect but in any case that wasn't something he'd have wagered on. "Not upon hearing of his death?" Remus stuffed his own lingering grief farther down into the depths of his heart so that he could speak of this matter-of-factly. "I'd have thought that brought you great joy."

After a very long pause, Snape tilted his head so that his lank hair fell over half his face. "It did, but it was tempered with too many other emotions to be true happiness. Perhaps if I had been there--"

Remus cut him off with a quiet, "Bastard."

"You asked."

"Yes, I did." Remus went back to staring at his tea leaves. He still didn't see anything.

 

***

 

_Walk on the Ocean_

 

Recruitment. That was what brought Remus to a shabby little pub in a village with a high wizarding population on the southern coast. The Order needed members, greater numbers to battle back Voldemort's increasing army of Death Eaters, and the push to gather them was stronger than ever.

Some of the younger members of the Order were treating it like a competition, comparing numbers like Quidditch scores, but Remus had been failing at it too long for that kind of enthusiasm. He wasn't welcome among the respectable families, so he'd been sent after other werewolves, half-bloods, and Muggle-borns, trading on his own otherness and playing to his strengths, secrecy and persuasion. They were the ones with the most to lose, but it took them some convincing to understand that they weren't the only people in danger, and that avoidance was not the answer. And in the case of the werewolves, that joining Voldemort was not the answer either.

Only two days until the full moon and Remus could feel the pull down in his bones, a vague itch in his blood that he recognized being reflected by the only other customer, a man sitting all alone by the fireplace. Picking up his glass of Ogden's Old Firewhisky, Remus walked over and stood by the man's table, politely waiting to be acknowledged. When the man looked up, Remus sat down across from him and smiled. "Remus Lupin."

"Claudius," said the man, apparently declining to give his last name to a stranger. He rubbed at his arm in what looked like an unconscious gesture and Remus could just make out the bulk of a large bandage covering part of his shoulder and most of his upper arm under his dark brown robe.

After talk of the weather, the village, and the quality of the liquor had been passed with Remus doing most of the talking, he nodded at Claudius's arm and asked, "Have you tried a calendula poultice for the itching?"

Claudius started, jerking his hand away from his arm where it had been rubbing the bandage again, and narrowed his eyes. "What? What do you mean?"

Remus made a show of looking all around the deserted taproom to check for eavesdroppers then smiled as reassuringly as he knew how. "The bite on your arm. It's almost a month old, isn't it? So it's probably starting to itch as it heals, and I just mentioned that a calendula poultice will alleviate some of the discomfort."

"How'd you know?" Claudius looked torn between being impressed and being suspicious, but at least he was listening.

"I heard rumors there was a werewolf in this area, and...I have some experience." Remus shrugged and added, "I'm well acquainted with a man who seems to have a potion for everything." He smiled when it occurred to him that Snape might not appreciate being used as a reference of sorts. But it wasn't as if he'd said "I have a friend" which would have been outright lying. They may have been comrades-in-arms, but they were not and never would be friends. In fact, Remus wasn't sure Snape even had any friends at all. He hoped Snape did, but Remus could certainly understand if he didn't. Snape seemed to go out of his way to discourage any overtures of friendship. Although, it struck Remus, that perhaps Snape was only like that with him and the other members of the Order, but surely he couldn't find real friendship with the Death Eaters that he spied on either.

"Remus? Something wrong?" Claudius asked with a puzzled frown.

"Of course not, why do you ask?" Remus picked up his glass and took a gulp, forgetting that he was trying to make the firewhisky last as long as possible.

"Well, you've been staring into space with a peculiar look on your face for a good five minutes."

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry. What was I saying?"

"A potion for everything."

"Ah. Yes, that brings me to another point. Do you know much about wolfsbane?"

 

***

_Why Did You Mess With Forever_

 

Number 12 Grimmauld Place was deserted when Remus finally returned after two weeks of traveling all over the country on Order business. He tiptoed past Mrs. Black's portrait to drop his suitcase in his room and then went to see Buckbeak. The hippogriff was munching on something furry and a pile of wet bits of chewed-up bone lay in a heap at its feet, so Remus realized he must have just missed whoever had been feeding Buckbeak this week. He kept his distance and said politely, "How are you today, Buckbeak? I hope you've been treated well in my absence."

Swallowing the last of its dinner, Buckbeak stared at Remus with big unblinking eyes and moved its head in an almost imperceptible nod.

"I have good news. Hagrid is coming to get you tomorrow morning, so you can finally get out of this house and fly free again." Buckbeak blinked and made a quiet sound in response, so Remus continued, "You've missed Hagrid, haven't you? I know it has been lonely for you since Sirius... Well, it'll be nice to go back to the forest, I'm sure."

Remus bowed low and when Buckbeak bowed back to him, he stepped close enough to pet the hippogriff's soft grey feathers. Buckbeak nudged his hand like an affection-starved cat and Remus smiled sadly. "I miss him, too. I did all my grieving years ago, but he's left a hole that won't ever be filled."

Remus focused on the soothing motion of his hand on the feathers, ignoring the ache that accompanied his words. He'd grown so accustomed to loss that it didn't hurt quite as much as it should have. He worried sometimes that he was growing cold and uncaring, since even the constant loneliness was becoming an essential part of him that he didn't try to fight anymore.

A faint noise from downstairs alerted Remus to the arrival of another Order member, and he knew he should go and greet whoever it was, but he kept stroking Buckbeak's neck and murmured how lovely the forest would be. After several minutes, he glanced up and noticed Snape standing in the doorway. His normally sallow complexion was paled to the color of old milk and the fine lines around his eyes cut deep tracks in his skin.

"Severus?" Remus kept his voice calm for Buckbeak's sake, but he knew his alarm was probably evident to Snape anyway.

"Your powers of observation continue to astonish me, Lupin," said Snape, but there was no bite in his voice. He just sounded tired.

"Is there anything I can do?" Remus stepped away from Buckbeak and moved closer to Snape. From a few feet away, he could see that only stubborn determination was keeping the man on his feet.

Snape opened his mouth as if to speak, then closed it again. After a long moment, he said, "No. I only have to give my report and then I can leave again." Something flickered in the darkness of his eyes but was gone too quick for Remus to recognize. "That should be good news for you."

Before Remus gave himself time to think too much, he said, "Not really. I've rather missed your caustic presence these last few weeks."

"Right." Snape's expression didn't waver, but his voice seemed to grow even quieter. "I'm taking a room on the second floor so that I can rest until the others get here."

"Oh yes, of course. That's fine. I just got here myself so I should go and put my things away." Remus walked to the door and Snape stood still for a couple of heartbeats before moving out of his way.

 

***

_Outside in the Underground_

 

When the Ministry had lifted the ban on werewolves holding jobs, Dumbledore had arrived at Grimmauld Place and insisted Remus take the Defense Against the Dark Arts position again, steadfastly ignoring Remus's concerns about what the students' parents would say. "We are at war, Professor Lupin. The parents want their children to be safe and prepared. Some may complain, but I will deal with them. You just concentrate on the task at hand."

"Safe?" Snape had snarled. "Have you forgotten the debacle of three years ago? Have you forgotten--"

"My memory is as sharp as ever, Severus," Dumbledore had interrupted. His voice had brooked no disagreement and Remus could see that Snape knew when he was beaten. "This year we will all be more careful. Diligence and your wolfsbane potion should see us through."

"Yes, headmaster." Snape had shifted his gaze back to Remus and said, "I'll pour the potion down your throat and chain you to a wall if I have to."

Remus had blinked and smiled, even though he'd still had his own reservations. "Let's hope that never becomes necessary. I dare say you'd take too much pleasure in it."

For once, Snape had had nothing to say, and now Remus stood at the gates of Hogwarts on a warm August evening, his battered suitcase in hand and his trunk at his feet. The Knight Bus had just dropped him off and then disappeared with a bang, heading off to who knew where. He took out his wand and cast a locomotion spell on his trunk and walked up the drive.

Memories from his previous years at Hogwarts kept trying to intrude on his peaceful mood, but he focused his attention on the year ahead. Being at war would make it a trying time for everyone, but he was looking forward to the actual teaching. He'd occasionally supported himself as a tutor before Dumbledore had given him a job the first time and his condition had become public knowledge, and it would feel good--satisfying and useful-- to get back into it. Being able to spend time with Harry would be an added benefit. Sirius had left a hole in Harry's life as well as Remus's, and while the relationships were in no way similar, perhaps it would be a comfort to Harry knowing that someone else missed Sirius as much as he did and yet was moving on with his life.

As Remus neared the castle, a dark shape detached itself from the shadows around the great front doors. Snape stepped out into the fading light of sunset, an indecipherable expression on his face.

Remus smiled and continued forward until he was standing next to Snape. "Good evening, Severus. How are you?"

"Still protesting your employment." Snape smiled briefly, and Remus could almost hear the creak of infrequently used muscles moving into place. "I'll bring the potion to your office tomorrow afternoon at four. Please be there," said Snape with a significant glance at the darkening sky.

Remus had carefully timed his arrival at Hogwarts for just that reason so he nodded. "Thank you. Perhaps you'd like to stay for tea?"

Snape looked down his impressive nose at Remus--quite a feat considering Remus was just a shade taller--and sneered, "Why? Because I'm the only one left to talk about the good old days with? In case it failed to penetrate your Gryffindorish self-centeredness, they weren't exactly good for me."

"I'm not eager to talk about the old days either, but we could talk of other things. Books or Quidditch or the latest ridiculous poll in the Daily Prophet. You could tell me about your research or the article you're probably writing for whatever journal that potions masters read. I'm sure we could think of something." Remus patted Snape on the back, directed his trunk through the open doors and started to follow, but Snape's voice stopped him with a very quiet:

"Perhaps we could."

Remus turned but Snape was already walking away down the road toward Hogsmeade.

 

The end.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to DaraQ, Susie, and Bachelor Girl for beta etc. Title and subtitles taken from John Mayer songs and one by Toad the Wet Sprocket.


End file.
